Finding the balance

OK, let’s see where this one goes, as I just want to sift some vague thoughts and leadings that are around this morning. Today is a fairly free Saturday – unexpectedly so, as an event was cancelled at short notice. After a busy couple of days away from home, I’d decided that it would be a good opportunity to catch up on some of the routine stuff and “to dos”, go to the gym and then to a local quilt show and maybe to an opera at the cinema later.(Written down, that sounds ridiculously busy, though I’d been thinking of it as a fairly quiet day!).

But I find that I want to let the day unfold gently at its own pace. I feel very connected and centered and want to stay with that and see how it expresses itself.

And it’s fascinating to listen to the inner voices that are responding to this desire. “But today isn’t a day off – you’ve had one this week”. “Three rooms are due to be cleaned today”. “That to-do list is so long  -this would be an opportunity to cross a few things off”. “shouldn’t you go food shopping?”  And underneath those, I hear a small, fearful voice saying “But if you let go of all that and go with your heart, you may never get any of the necessary practical stuff done ever again. Everything might slide back into chaos while you indulge in what you’d rather do instead of what you need to do. You need to stick to the patterns you’ve been establishing and be self-disciplined, ignore that desire to write and sew – do it tomorrow instead.”

There’s a dilemma here, because there is some truth in that last voice, in that I’ve often wilfully neglected practicalities over a period and have ended up not eating well, in a grubby chaotic house and with vital jobs undone – which in the end causes huge stress and undoes all the good done by the time spent creatively.

I don’t want to be ruled by “ought” and “must”. That has been a theme of my journey for a long time. Yet those “oughts” hammer away in my mind – I “ought” to be sensible and get all the cleaning, food shopping etc done and put the creative stuff aside till tomorrow. But that tug to the latter, to a day that’s allowed to find its own pace and activity, is so strong. And I have to rejoice in that, as one problem I’ve always had is finding inner motivation – I’ve so often lived fairly mechanically, by lists, because otherwise I just drift, unable to identify anything I positively want to do (or perhaps unable to allow it).

The inner desire is winning at the moment  – it’s nearly 10am, I’m not dressed yet and I’m writing this! And it feels good. I have to stay with this, because it feels like an important move forward, a stand against all those insistent voices demanding that I put the routine, the sensible, the practical, before the creative and the desired. My heart’s desire is to be living according  to my “true self” – “true Anne” – in line with the still small divine voice within, so I need to listen and respond when, as I think is happening this morning, I’m hearing that voice clearly. It’s so hard to ignore those other “ought”, “must”, “but what if..” voices, but they lead me away from the life-giving.

I’ve also just inadvertently given  my response to a question I was asked recently – “what’s your heart’s desire”? it left me floundering at the time, but I’ve just answered it.

So let’s see what happens, if there’s a despairing post in a week’s time saying that all my changes have gone to pot and I’m back in chaos! Or if practising living in tune with the inner call when my sensitivity to it is strong will also get the cleaning done…

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