…is that I ache to communicate how sad I feel, but because the problem is loneliness, I’m silenced. If I say to a friend “I feel so lonely”, I make them feel bad, they probably feel obliged to try to help. So I’m manipulating them into offering something that wouldn’t otherwise have happened.
A book I read recently commented that loneliness is the last great taboo- it triggers shame and can’t easily be admitted to.
Relationships have to be freely given on both sides. I learned that through the painful years of dependent relationships. As soon as I express the need for companionship, if someone responds, it’s not entirely freely given. And therein lies the dilemma….
So what do I do? Feeling like this and being unable to share it just makes the whole thing feel even worse, I feel more isolated and outside the flow of life. When I see my friends I’m pretending – you know, the old “Hi, How are you?” “Fine, thanks”. That magic word “fine”… covers a multitude of emotions!
All I can do is stick it out, keep in touch without letting the mask slip, and hope that eventually the companionship I yearn for will materialise. But it’s so hard.